I told you I needed space
but what I really needed was to wake up
to open my eyes and hear you tell me
that it was all just a dream.
I told you that I wanted to move on
but what I really wanted was to turn back time
to go back to before we’d both made our mistakes
and to when a future with you looked a little brighter.
I told you that I couldn’t work so hard anymore
but what I really wanted to do was ask you for a chance
to work even harder than I had before
to make it right again.
Every day I get closer to you
and every day it gets easier
to pull farther away from him.
I remember being at your side when you were breaking
doing everything that I could to keep your heart from aching.
I would have spent every day and every night telling you what you meant to me
making sure that you understood just how amazing I thought that you could be.
But when it came time for my walls to crumble
you left me in the dark to grope and stumble
somehow nowhere in sight, as I fell down into shambles
but still being there to drive the knife in by the handle.
Even now, I would still be there to hold your hand in the dark
when I know I mean nothing to you, and I’m the only one breaking my own heart
so, if you can’t bring yourself to bother with me too
then I don’t want to be the only one that gives a damn about you,
Tell me that you never loved me
so that I can believe in love again.
Sometimes I stay up late
just to wonder as I lay awake
how life would change today
if you’d never walked away.
I don’t know who I am
and I don’t know where you are
but I’m calling for you in the dark
hoping that you can hear me
while you’re calling back
wishing that I would listen.
And we both stand, watching
a vicious cycle of tearful apologies
and broken promises
pounding on the only door
that stands to keep us apart.
The door that I used
to lock you out.
It’s coming really slow to me
that some things aren’t supposed to happen,
even though it really, truly does feel like
I’m struggling to understand the difference
between blessings, and lessons
because although sometimes a lesson
can feel like a blessing
it is only meant to be learned from
and then given back.
The part that I’m struggling with
is whether or not the lesson
is how to hold on
or how to let go.