I Don’t Usually Say What I Mean

I told you I needed space

but what I really needed was to wake up

to open my eyes and hear you tell me

that it was all just a dream.

I told you that I wanted to move on

but what I really wanted was to turn back time

to go back to before we’d both made our mistakes

and to when a future with you looked a little brighter.

I told you that I couldn’t work so hard anymore

but what I really wanted to do was ask you for a chance

to work even harder than I had before

to make it right again.

Anymore

I remember being at your side when you were breaking

doing everything that I could to keep your heart from aching.

I would have spent every day and every night telling you what you meant to me

making sure that you understood just how amazing I thought that you could be.

But when it came time for my walls to crumble

you left me in the dark to grope and stumble

somehow nowhere in sight, as I fell down into shambles

but still being there to drive the knife in by the handle.

Even now, I would still be there to hold your hand in the dark

when I know I mean nothing to you, and I’m the only one breaking my own heart

so, if you can’t bring yourself to bother with me too

then I don’t want to be the only one that gives a damn about you,

anymore.

One More Time

I don’t know who I am

and I don’t know where you are

but I’m calling for you in the dark

hoping that you can hear me

while you’re calling back

wishing that I would listen.

And we both stand, watching

a vicious cycle of tearful apologies

and broken promises

pounding on the only door

that stands to keep us apart.

 

The door that I used

to lock you out.

 

Lessons In Letting On

It’s coming really slow to me

that some things aren’t supposed to happen,

even though it really, truly does feel like

they are.

I’m struggling to understand the difference

between blessings, and lessons

because although sometimes a lesson

can feel like a blessing

it is only meant to be learned from

and then given back.

The part that I’m struggling with

is whether or not the lesson

is how to hold on

or how to let go.