I’ve been laying up at night
taking adequacy by the handful
wondering how long it will be
before you tell me that it’s working.
Even if the dejection
stops pounding in my chest
then I’ll have to dwell
in the bitter, still tender loneliness
of the places, you never touched.
It looks as though
18 years just hasn’t been enough
to overcome my addiction
to everything you won’t give me.
Remember when you still loved me?
Yeah, neither do I.
For a little while, I thought I was doing really well
until I remembered the first time we met
and the best day of my life ran through my mind
tearing down every lie that I’ve convinced myself
it would happen again.
Sunday always feels like the last day of the week
even though it’s the first
the predeccesor of what is to come as you carry on
through all of the days that you don’t want to live
working your way back to Friday
just so you can fall back into bed as you wait for Saturday
but Saturday is over so quickly
that it almost feels like Sunday.
I have been hard wired
to crave neglect
Programmed to apologize
when I’m being abused
From the first girl
that took the time to learn my name
To the last boy
that told me he loved it
All I’ve known
And when I’m finally free of it
It has me running back
to the same dull pain
I’ve been forced to love.
I don’t know who I am
and I don’t know where you are
but I’m calling for you in the dark
hoping that you can hear me
while you’re calling back
wishing that I would listen.
And we both stand, watching
a vicious cycle of tearful apologies
and broken promises
pounding on the only door
that stands to keep us apart.
The door that I used
to lock you out.
I wonder if you think that I
am as witless as I feel,
falling to my knees and begging you for forgiveness
never realizing that when we first met
you had given to me all of the blatant certainty
I would ever need.
I wonder too, If I’ve ever made you as happy
as you have made me,
but then I think, “Of course,
there was I time that I must have.”.
Even though, I know I haven’t.
That realization, although sober, biting,
has never, will never
stop me from trying.
Maybe that is just another facet
that makes us different,
but more likely,
it is the only thing about the two of us
that is the same.