Burning Ourselves

It’s a really bitter thing
because every time you think it’s going to work
it doesn’t
and it won’t
no matter how hard you try to force all of your jagged edges
into those of an equally as broken person
something is always going to be wrong
and eventually, someone is going to give up.
The brightest fires may be the most beautiful
and exciting when they burn
but once you’ve let them die
there is no way to make them burn that bright again
and you may even find yourself trying
so hard
to make another flame burn the same way
even though you don’t have enough air in your lungs
to get it even close.
You have to learn to love the dimmer lights
because they’re easier to sustain
and they won’t burn you as badly
it’s so hard
but once you make it work
it’s magic.

Trying To Live Off Love

We tried living off of love
and for a while
it was the only thing that we needed
to sustain a passion
that would satiate us both

but then we were hungry
hungry for all of the things
that we couldn’t find in each other
hungry for the way we used to savor the nuances
of our unfamiliar faces
hungry for the simplicity of being alone
and being free

and we were tired
tired of trying to tear ourselves down
just to see if the other person would notice
tired of trying to build each other up
so we’d be strong enough to keep holding on
tired of having to salvage
a broken relationship because we knew
that it was all that was left

and we were poor
poor in our sicknesses and our health
so beyond what we were capable of
healing on our own
poor of anything that made us individuals
as we surrendered to our shared identity
poor of the happiness that we knew
we would have been capable of feeling
if we could have just allowed ourselves
to step into the arms of someone else
of anyone else

suddenly love wasn’t enough
our stomachs and our minds had distended
as we found ourselves searching
for something other than what we felt for each other

and then it was painful somehow
and loathsome
the two of us embodied
in our own twisted sense
of what love
was supposed to be like

and then it was gone
and then we were strangers
as you filled yourself
I got emptier
as you rested
I stayed awake
and as you prospered
I fell deeper
and deeper
into poverty

as you picked yourself up
I fell back down
back into love
with you

the only thing that was different
this time
was that I was alone.

New Poetry

He said my name like it was poetry
and the name I had heard every day
called to me my entire life
suddenly sounded like it belonged to someone else
it sounded like the name that belonged to the kind of girl
who was sweet enough for someone to love
intelligent enough for someone to believe
strong enough for someone to respect
and beautiful enough for someone to write poetry about
it wasn’t my name anymore
and now it never will be again.

Taking Adequacey By The Handful

I’ve been laying up at night

taking adequacy by the handful

wondering how long it will be

before you tell me that it’s working.

Even if the dejection

stops pounding in my chest

then I’ll have to dwell

in the bitter, still tender loneliness

of the places, you never touched.

It looks as though

18 years just hasn’t been enough

to overcome my addiction

to everything you won’t give me.

Turning Off What You Never Turned On

I watched

as you dredged up a love

in my own heart

and forced me to see you

in a light that you could only see yourself

and it took me so long

to turn it off

that I know I never had

and simply waited

for it to burn out

all on it’s own.